Katie. KS. 21 years old. Free spirit. Activist. Advocate. Firm believer in karma and hot coffee. change the way you look at things, live your dreams.
If I could go back to the first six months after Mikes death, I would. Nothing has been more difficult than the last few months for me…
Another thing, Mike didn’t get to enjoy my fake boobs for very long. I’m kind of pissed because we talked about getting them forever.. And I worked my ass off to pay for them and he didn’t get to.. Idk. Whatever. Like, nobody else will ever enjoy them the way he did, because nobody else saw my boobs before. Just Mike.
At least he took my “before boobs” secret to the grave? Right?
This is what goes on in my mind, daily.
The only person I need to talk to isn’t here and he isn’t coming back.
I hate holidays, it’s a mix between wanting to remember everything I did with Mike and wanting to start over with new traditions.
Whenever I talk to a guy I always tap their knee in public places, like “hey, I like you.” But, it’s my way of saying that I like them without anyone knowing…
And it never fails that they turn to me and say “why’d you tap my leg?”
Like shut up, it’s my secret way of saying I like you…
Then I realize that they aren’t Mike, and they don’t and won’t get it. And, then I realize that I’m forever alone because nobody else gets knee taps, or hand squeezes or winks. Ugh.
My friend was asking me where I thought Mike went, since I’m not religious. She asked me a lot of other questions regarding that.. Then we got into the conversation of purpose…
I asked her “being religious, what is your reason here on earth?”
And she responded “to spread the word of God, what about your reason here being non-religious?”
I said “to actually do the work of God.”
I thought it was an excellent rebuttal, but it brings up a really good point. Are you doing good things because you’re afraid of going to hell or are you doing good things out of the goodness of your heart?
Something that has always confused me was this… Why would you be so worried so snag a spot in a wonderful afterlife but you’re not as apt to make this one any better?Let’s focus on making the world we are sure of a good one…
I’ve been really thinking about the suicide scene that is acted out in the Judgement house that a lot of churches are putting on this year… I’ve always thought that a church should be a place of NO judgement and full of loving people with open arms… but, apparently not.
To you churches out there who do decide to put on this horrific scene please don’t forget to act out:
Scientists and music professors at Cambridge University came together to find the saddest song ever made. They went through thousands and thousands of music sheets, some even dating back to the 16th century. They went through composers like Mozart, Beethoven, Franz Schubert and Johann Sebastian Bach. They tested the songs on hundreds of different people, observing The Limbic system, which is the part of the brain which controls emotion, like sadness, happiness and anger. After 7 years of research and observation, they finally found a song which made 94.7% of listeners cry or feel an overwhelming of sadness come across them. This is the song they found.
I am finally okay with being alone, after a year and a half. It seems so crazy to say it out loud, but I keep reminding myself that I am okay, and I am alone. And I am okay alone.
After Mike died, I was okay for awhile, then I started searching for a new boyfriend when I wasn’t ready. I even dragged a guy that I had no feelings for to my family Christmas because I didn’t want to be alone. I went from barely knowing him to being his girlfriend in less than a month. I tried to pick up with him where I left off with Mike.
I realized how unhealthy it was when he started acting weird and lying about dumb things. It was then that I realized I never got to know him, I didn’t care to get to know him. I wanted a boyfriend and I wanted one right then. I would have literally dated anyone at the time. (How stupid of me, I know)
Dealing with a break up AND grieving the love my my life’s death was not easy… But, I finally started working through it and I realized what a terrible place I was in.
Aside from not having any sex, I’m totally okay with being alone. Kidding, about the first part!! I finally feel like I am in such a good place with myself, I’m not empty, I’m not hanging out with the wrong people or talking to guys I don’t care about.I finally stopped confusing lonely and alone. This is such a good feeling.