Wishing I could’ve done something to help him and feeling guilty for not realizing the extent of what he was going through
Or knowing there was nothing I could’ve done to stop him and feeling helpless.
exactly how I feel.
I’ve been hearing the craziest things about this whole situation. About his family and his life… and about me. The last thing was “Katie is relieved because now she doesn’t have to marry him.”
You’re kidding me, right? I would have spent the rest of my life working through things and supporting Mike. I was with him for 1/4 of my whole life. I would have spent the rest of it with him, and I was planning on it. His family and I did everything we possibly could to help him - he knew we were all there for him.
I can’t believe some of this stuff. Go fuck yourself, you piece of shit.
without talking to Mike in the last eight years… I don’t think I have gone more than two days without talking to him. Well, I talk to him - but, you know.
There was no book I could have ever read to prepare me for this feeling… And, even with my own amount of wisdom, I feel helpless. Anytime I’ve ever felt like this.. I would have just called Mike to cry about it and for him to say “Just relax babe”
Just relax… Right?
Mikes sister was looking through his Xanga, and that reminded me - thats one thing I haven’t looked at! January 30, 2006?! Holy crap. That was six years ago!! I thought Mike was the cutest, he introduced me to almost every band I listened to back then!
Take note - “talked on the phone with Katie” back before we had cars!
I just can’t get over the fact that we grew up together. I didn’t know it then, but he turned me into the person I am today.
Suicide isn’t chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.
I think people are being very inconsiderate with this topic. Obviously people are hurt because of their loss and may even think it’s selfish… But, you must consider how upset someone is to feel that is the only resolution. if you’ve never felt like that than you have no idea what goes on in their head. I pray that nobody ever feels the way Mike did. Mike is not some example for you to blog about or talk bad about… Have some respect.
Mike, I know you aren’t hurting anymore… You left a lot of people who loved you behind but, we are taking day by day and trusting that you are relaxing in heaven now, looking over us all.
Mike and I walked across the stage to get our diplomas. When it was time to throw our hats Mike turned to me and said “we finally did it” and hugged me. It felt like we were the only people in the room. Those hats, the gowns & what he said all represented a new chapter in our lives.
This year, Mike was so excited to take the portraits for the graduates as they received their diplomas… But, in place of him and his camera the principal said a few words for the towns loss. And, it makes me really think about how mad I am at Mike…
He was so intelligent, and so talented. He was a graduation photographer, a musician and was going to school for something in the medical field. He had a brilliant future ahead of him… And, he was my inspiration to push through school and work my ass off. going through the stages of “grief” and, dealing with this loss puts a lot of things into perspective. I can’t be mad, but I will make it my goal to honor Mike, I will dream big, chase my dreams and live my dreams. So, this one is for you tootie! I know you wouldn’t want me sad, you’d want me out there chasing my dreams. So thank you for instilling that in me, your words will continue to push me for the rest of my life…
- free pie Wednesdays
- making you coffee
- the way you noticed my make-up or hair
- when you’d tell me that you had everything you had wished for when it was 11:11…
- going to the Art museum on free day
- the way you smelled like smoke and the expensive cologne I’d get you free samples of.
- the way you’d look at me from across the room and wink, like I was on your mind.
- driving around and singing stupid songs
- going to Cherry Berry (Chairwee Bearwee)
- talking like babies, all the time.
- waiting on you to run back into your house - because, you’d always forget something…
- writing each other notes back & forth, even though we had phones
- dream house shopping with you
- cuddling and watching every season of South Park (we had the very last season left - then we’d be through all of them).
- fighting over something, then talking like babies to get out of trouble with each other.
- the long talks we had about anything we could think of
- planning trips with all of the imaginary money we had.
- going to look at puppies, because we wanted one of our own.
- acting like we were married when we went to look at furniture
- going to the bookstore on a Friday night
- going on bike rides
- going fishing
- finding just about anything to do, for free.
- your hands, smile & laugh…
- the scar right by your eye.
- the way you wore your socks inside out…
- when you’d get mad at me for taking too long when I’d get ready
- shooting photos with you
- hearing you play guitar
- having you lay in my bed, while I show you all of my new clothes.
- you noticing when I was wearing something new…
- the way you’d make me wear the perfume you bought for me (even though it wasn’t in season).
- taking pictures of each other - everyday. I have over 5,000!
I will miss everything about you. I will especially miss the way that you made me feel beautiful everyday, even when I wasn’t looking cute or feeling well. There was something so genuine about the compliments you’d give me… It breaks my heart that you had so much support and you still felt the way you did. Now, I have a guardian angel… Hopefully you have a computer in heaven! Until next time…
I will never forget this smile, or the laughs we shared. No wonder I loved him so much, he was the cutest guy around!
