Katie. Kansas Native. 21 years old. Free spirit. Perspective is everything. . . --
as nights they come and feelings pass us by, savor it and live your dreams. . .
thanks. it’s not as easy at it looks… Your friend is proud of you… I can promise that. Even though its hard, you must keep living… thats the key to it all.
I should never let the way someone has reacted to my pain and progress over the last year determine how I am going to continue healing. Better yet, I shouldn’t listen to them at all.
I’m on the road to figuring out who I am. I knew this entire year would be hard, and I shouldn’t have been involved with anyone. The heartbreak I feel from this separation is the same heartbreak that has been resonating in my soul since last May. I thought I was ready, I was sure of it. And, then I ended up dragging someone else into this emotional mess that I need to be sorting out myself. As mad as I want to be at him, I can’t. He was brave for doing what he did. He was brave for supporting me, through all of the doubt. I am lucky that someone shared that much patience and love and understanding with someone who can’t make sense of a lot of the things that are going on.
Someone should never play second fiddle to anyone else, even if it is Mike. He was right when he said I wasn’t ready… because, I wasn’t. I will always deeply love Mike, but I still feel like I need to be committed to him… And, I know that those feelings showed. If I was on the other end of this - I would have felt like I was just walking uphill… against all odds - but, he did it.. And, I didn’t show the appreciation that I should have.
Remember I said that losing Mike was like a drug addiction? Everything is going well and then, a sudden relapse. Well, that was it - when things were going well I was confident in starting a new relationship, and then there was a relapse… something that he will never understand, and I shouldn’t have ever expected him to.
This last year has taught me so much about love and about life, about loving myself and taking the time I need to make sure that I’m okay, before helping anyone else. This year has taught me to go with my heart, to do what I feel is right, and to let go of the things I can’t control… If I could do things over - I would have waited much longer to date. I would have waited for a more stable time in my life to let someone in… I feel so sorry that anyone had to see me the way that he did because that wasn’t me - that was the emotions, the stress and the high expectations that I’ve set when the reality of it all is much less.
I loved Mike for a long, long time - and it’s not going away anytime soon. It takes a strong heart to love again, and I don’t think I’m strong enough for that. It’s time to focus on me … and living my own dreams, it’s never too soon for that.
Oh, you’re wondering what I did the last time a boyfriend and I split up? I went to his fucking funeral… ugh.
people mention that I’ve been so strong this last year, but I can’t take all of the credit. This is my mother, Elaine. And if you’re wondering where I got my little nose, sarcastic sense of humor or nice behind - you’re looking right at her. She is my best friend, and she makes up a huge part of my world.. Every time I do something, I always think about what she would think. I hope that every girl can have a relationship like this with their mom someday. I can’t even begin to share the appreciation I owe to her.
Thanks for always being there for me, Mom. Thanks for the coffee when I’m not feeling too hot, thanks for the long talks and the great bits of wisdom that you’ve shared with me. I hope that I can show everyone the compassion and the love that you’ve shown me. Without question you have always supported my decisions, and you taught me to stand up for what I believe in… And, here I am today… your little liberal activist. So, thanks mom - for showing me the beautiful world through your own eyes (it is a great view).
I love you, Happy mothers day.
ah! thank you, thank you! this is what I like to hear :)
Why is it okay for everyone else to miss Mike but, when I mention it people act like I should be over it or something? I actually had a guy at a party say “Katie should be over Mike already.” Can you believe that?! Just because Mike died doesn’t mean that my life ended too. I have to keep living and dating is a huge part of the healing process… so far - nobody has been mature enough to understand what is going on (and I don’t expect them to) but I’ve literally had enough of the bullshit.
newsflash: its my fucking life, and its my own god damn choice. I have to die when its my turn to die. If I want to date someone, that doesn’t make me a slut and that doesn’t mean that I loved Mike any less… and if I don’t want to date, that doesn’t mean I’m a prude. Let’s get one thing straight, you guys can cut the shit because I don’t need anymore of it.